Forgive, friend, your lack of faith, here or there.
Remember that you are human — it is understandable, then, that you act, from time to time, in a less coherent way with your postulates of ideal. Absolute coherence is an unattainable goal at the human level of evolution.
On the other hand, no substantial change in the patterns of consciousness happens overnight. The great transformations are slow processes, because they are complex, and take place on the deep plane of the subconsciousness, fully hatching long after they have started.
Trying to speed up these mechanisms can abort them rather than shorten them, no matter how much personal effort is put into bringing about an immediate change.
So, before giving in to despair, remember the principle of starting over, a universal concession that God grants to all creatures, providing them, in His-Her Infinite Goodness, with new opportunities for growth and fulfillment.
Consider this and reassure yourself.
Paradoxically, when you stop trying to meet exaggerated and unrealistic performance expectations, you will find the best performance attainable at your current level of maturity, provided, of course, that you do not give up your commitment to being useful, keeping up the good work and persisting in disciplining yourself in all existential spheres.
Benjamin Teixeira de Aguiar (medium)
Eugênia-Aspásia (Spirit)
March 2nd, 2006